With Father’s Day coming up, I decided to write a letter to my sons about how to play the “man game.” I call it the “man game,” but, really, being the best man you can possibly be is serious business.
I wanted to write down my advice right now in case God pulls my lottery number and I’m a winner called to heaven and I’m not here to personally talk about these things in the coming years as my young men transition into husbands and fathers themselves.
So, I’d like to share the letter I’m writing to my sons, Nicholas, who is 23, and Matthew, who is 19. Here’s the advice I’m sharing with them:
“Son:
You are finally an adult. I know you’ve looked forward to this for a long time, and ‘officially’ you are a man with all the privileges and responsibilities that go along with that title. But remember this: The ‘man game’ isn’t the easiest thing in the world to play. Just when you think you have it all figured out, the game changes. Those changes come in many forms—marriage, children, jobs, new cities, health issues, aging parents, neighbors, money, etc. And you’ll have to deal with these changes while navigating the many challenges of daily life, while staying true to yourself, while striving to always do the right thing.
I’ve thought long and hard about 10 things to consider as you move forward. This advice is coming from your dad who only wants the best for you, and it’s coming from a guy with years of ‘man game’ experience. Like all men, I’ve experienced life’s lofty highs and extremely deep lows. I’ve had my fair share of wins and losses and draws in the ‘man game.’
First, know that you can achieve anything you want in life—if you are willing to pay the price. In my lifetime, I’ve seen our country’s first African American president. I’ve seen the founder of an online shopping company become one of the wealthiest people in the world. I’ve seen average athletes become franchise players. I’ve seen boys from broken homes grow up to become fabulous fathers and loving husbands. You just have to decide what you want to achieve in life and be willing to work like hell over a long period of time to achieve it.
Guard your integrity and reputation with all your might. A friend told me years ago that all you really have in life is your reputation. A man can have a respected, impeccable reputation for 50 years of ‘man game’ experience, and it all can come crumbling down because of one poor decision. Never, never let down your guard. Never.
Life isn’t fair, but it’s good. No, life isn’t fair. Some people are given things without having to work for them. Some people get more breaks than others. Some are downright lucky. Life is what you make of it. Remember that life is a gift from God, and each day should be appreciated—no matter how tough it might be sometimes. I once read that you should spend each day as if it’s your last, because one day it will be. Live life to the fullest. Have fun and be a fun person. And always, always be yourself. Nobody likes a fake.
Marry for life. I was single for the first 37 years of my life. I always said, ‘I’d rather be single for the right reasons than married for the wrong reasons.’ So, I waited until I found my true-life partner—and until I had enough ‘man game’ experience to understand who I was and what I wanted in life. It took me a lot of years to get to know ‘me.’ Make sure you know ‘you’ before you consider creating an ‘us.’ Enter marriage with a lifelong commitment that you won’t break. Marriage is hard; it takes a lot of work. But during the inevitable low times, you must believe you have no other option than to work things out. When ‘Mrs. Right’ comes along, you’ll know it. If things don’t feel right when you’re dating, ‘fold your cards’ and move on. But always be a gentleman about it.
Learn to juggle. Strive to maintain balance in all aspects of your life. The secret to a happy, fulfilling life is learning how to juggle the different ‘balls of life’—work, family, health, integrity and faith. You’ll find that the importance of each ‘ball’ changes as the ‘man game’ progresses. Sometimes it’s work that you need to keep high in the air; other times it’s family. Ultimately for me, it was realizing the importance of God in my life. You’ll have to learn to keep your eyes on all the balls—they all are simply too important to shatter.
Always ask yourself: ‘What’s the right thing to do?’ Remember, there is no right way to do the wrong thing. When faced with a big decision, you should ask and answer that question three times. By taking the time to really think it through and consider all the consequences of your actions, you’ll be more certain to do the right thing. Of course, doing the right thing usually means doing the harder and more complicated thing—as opposed to an easier option. However, you will save an enormous amount of time, energy and heartache by doing the right thing in the first place.
Always—and I mean always—rely upon a small group of friends, mentors, coaches and trusted advisors. Left to yourself, you’ll be more likely to make mistakes. When I’ve tried to make life’s toughest decisions without a support group, I usually missed the prize. The reason is this: When faced with life’s biggest and/or toughest challenges, you can’t see the whole picture by yourself. You will overlook something, and it will cost you. Surround yourself with mentors who are confident enough and strong enough to give you the real truth. Believe me, you want the truth—no matter how much it hurts. And never blame the messenger—focus on the message.
Trust in God. Let God in your life. He is there waiting for you. If you make yourself the center of the universe, your universe will eventually collapse. And when it does, you will lose hope. Without hope, you have nothing. Once, when faced with a challenge, I asked Brother Charles, a Salesian Brother and one of my mentors, ‘Why did God let this happen to me?’ He told me, ‘God is a good God, and He wants the best for you.’ I find myself saying this over and over as I play (and pray) through my own ‘man game.’ Pray. I’ve witnessed miracles because of the power of prayer. Joyfully, I’ve seen a torn and toxic marriage be restored to a vibrant, loving, lifelong partnership. Never underestimate the power of prayer.
Whatever you decide to do in life, do your best. If you do your best, you can always hold your head high. Winning isn’t everything, but doing your best is. My only real regrets in life have come when I didn’t give something my all. If you give it your best and you lose to someone else, see it as a positive, as a learning experience. Winning through cheating or cutting corners is cheap and empty. So, always do your best. Notice that I didn’t say try to do your best; I’m challenging you to do your best.
‘When there’s no wind, row.’ Opportunity, success and positive things happen when you do something—not when you are on the sidelines or sitting in the stands during the ‘man game.’ So, when you find yourself out of that game, do something. Take charge. Take control. Go to one of your mentors with your problem. Then, together, come up with a solution and a plan to get back in the ‘man game.’
And finally, a bit of bonus advice. In the Middle Ages, there was much written about the Seven Deadly Sins and Their Opposite Virtues. These sins and their opposing virtues are: Pride & Humility; Greed & Generosity; Lust & Chastity; Anger & Meekness; Gluttony & Temperance; Envy & Kindness; and, finally, Sloth & Diligence. As you play the ‘man game,’ watch for and avoid the bad and seek out the good. The virtues will guide you, but the sins will sink you. Trust me on both counts; I know from experience.
I wish you much success, good health and abundant happiness in all you do. May your ‘man game’ bring you much joy, peace, hope, wisdom and humility. As you play the ‘man game’ in the bigger game of life, I challenge you to play the game of your life. Whatever you decide to do in this world, do what you do better.”