Part 2 of 2
So, in my last blog post, I talked about how most overachievers have something difficult, something challenging in their pasts that spurs them to overachieve.
For some people, overachieving is the mind’s way of moving past the past. For others, their tendency to overachieve is driven by fear—fear of not measuring up, fear of failure, fear of being back in circumstances that were way less than ideal. For some, it’s a bit of both.
I know a woman with a story similar to that of the executive I talked about in the last blog. Her father left the family when she was in kindergarten. Her alcoholic mother died in a car accident when she was 12. She was written off by most of her teachers and all of her school’s administration, but that just made her more determined to create the kind of life she wanted for herself. The one person consistently in her corner was her grandmother who raised her. My friend put herself through college, met a man she’s been married to for 37 years and they raised great kids. Her life is not perfect, and none of it was easy. Also, she’s had plenty of counseling along the way. She says she didn’t always know what she wanted because that wasn’t modeled for her, but she always knew what she didn’t want.
And she will tell you that fear of failing and going back to troubling earlier circumstances was a huge motivator. She knows that’s not healthy—and probably not even rational. So she worked through that fear, and, ultimately, made it work for her. Her grandmother was always there to remind her that she was worthy of happiness and success. And today she’s respected for her work and for her work in the community.
She also will tell you that sometimes she had to rein herself in. As an overachiever, she sometimes has a hard time saying “no.” And that, of course, can lead to overcommitment, overwork and anxiety.
I listened recently to a podcast by Kevin Elko on the topic of overcoming challenges in a smart, healthy way. He talked about what he calls the 4Hs: History, Heartbreaks, Heroes, and Hope.
We all have a History, and it is uniquely our own. But we share this fact: Our histories are made up of things both good and bad, wonderful and awful. Likewise, we’ve all experienced our fair share of Heartbreak. No one goes through life without some measure of heartbreak. But how we overcome difficult circumstances and life’s inevitable disappointments is up to us individually. We can move through life with inner strength or with a sense of fear; both strength and fear can be forged by past difficulties. You know which one you want. You know which one you need to nurture.
Heroes help. Using the exact example above, that woman’s circumstances were extraordinarily challenging, but she had a hero on her side. She had to do things on her own, but she was not alone.
Most of us can count at least one hero in our lives. If we are fortunate, we’ve had several people who poured into us. They believed in us when there was no good reason to do so. They encouraged us, consoled us and were there for us at our lowest points.
Maybe you have to occasionally hire a hero; maybe it’s a counselor or therapist who helps you move through life in a way that is healthier and that makes you happier. You know what you need.
And that leads to the final H: Hope. When you have hope, you have an extraordinary tool at hand. Hope is how many an overachiever moved past a difficult past. Hope is what gives people the willpower to overcome. And it’s much healthier, of course, than being motivated by fear. Desmond Tutu said it best: “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all the darkness.”
Is there something from your past that is holding you back? Is that something pushing you to do too much? Do your past difficulties instill fear instead of motivation? Our pasts make us who we are. Think about your own motivation. Think about why you want to succeed. If you are an overachiever, consider whether or not that’s an altogether healthy trait. Think about how to make that tendency work best for you in a way that is healthy and that makes you happy.
Make changes if necessary. I challenge you to think about how you can do something, not why you can’t. As Henry Ford said, “If you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”